What will you change?

A few years ago, when I was changing jobs, I spent a lot of time thinking about my experience at my previous employer and what brought me to leaving. I have always been an introspective person, but since 2019, I have been putting those thoughts down on paper and really exploring things in my journals. I remember sitting down and thinking about the mistakes I had made, and how some of those same mistakes had occurred at other jobs throughout my career.

While I have had a successful career to this point, I also can’t ignore the fact that maybe, just maybe, it could have been a bit better with fewer mistakes. Of course, without the mistakes, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

Yes, this story again

Sometime back around 1998, my manager at the time, Curt, pulled me into a conference room for a one-on-one. It’s been over 25 years, but I still recall key parts of the conversation. He slid a printed copy of an article across the table to me. It was probably 2-3 pages, and it was about reputation management. He then said something that has stuck with me ever since:

Mike, if people think you’re an asshole, you’re an asshole.

Ouch.

I was in my mid-20s at the time and worked for what I consider to be one of the best teams I’ve ever been on. It was small, there were only 4 or 5 of us. We did great work. There was a cockiness about the team. Unfortunately, I took that cockiness too far. The other guys had the skills and experience to back it up - in fact, I’d simply call what they had “confidence”. At the time, I was young and dumb and I had an attitude. Hell, I used to have this quote hung on my cube wall so it was the first thing people saw when they walked in:

Don’t waste your breath on me and I won’t waste my hate on you

That, by the way, is from Metallica’s “Wasting my hate” from their 1996 album, Load.

Back to Curt. It was a difficult conversation, but he was awesome. He was patient. He was sincere. I was, as a 20-something developer with only 3 or 4 years of experience, stunned and probably pushed back on some of his feedback. I don’t remember a whole lot about the rest of the conversation, but I DO remember a suggestion he made that has suck with me over the years. He suggested that I read Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” and embrace the lessons in the book if I wanted to have anything close to a good career.

While dated, it’s a book I’ve recommended to people for a long time. I still have the copy I bought shortly after that meeting - I followed Carnegie’s directions-read each chapter twice AND underline things that jumped out to me!

I recently decided to re-read this book after many, many years. Yes, it’s still dated, but there are still great lessons to be learned. Since I’m reading it on my Kindle this time, I haven’t really compared what I underlined back in 98 to what I found important this time through, but I plan to because I’m curious to see what 26-year old Mike thought was important versus what 51-year old Mike thinks is important.

That happened a long time ago, and while I’d like to say I completely changed my ways, I know for sure that I didn’t. Some people may say I still haven’t, but I try. One of my mantras is

Progress, not perfection

That damn ego

A few years ago, I had given my two-week notice after a tumultuous 9 months at a job where I saw layoffs of people who were supposed to be on team on my 7th day of employment, executives constantly shit-talking about the developers, and just general apathy from the developers. Strange, isn’t it, how they hired me but then laid off a bunch of a people? I’m not sure I was the lucky one. Anyway, I had given my notice, but after a few days, the VP I didn’t report to called me and told me I was done that day, that they didn’t need or want me around for the remainder of my two weeks.

Ouch.

I just went back in my journals for that year and found the entry:

1851 - Well, just when I thought the week couldn’t get any more fucked up, I was surprised today. After jumping in to help with two continuing fires this morning, and just before lunch, name redacted asked if I had time to talk.

Today was my last day at name redacted - I had my exit interview at 1500 and finally shut down just before 1600. The reason? None given other than my “knowledge transfer” was done.

I’m not sure why that one stung so much, but it did. I mean, c’mon, I was on my way out and they basically gave me a couple weeks buffer until my next gig started, but still, to be told to leave that way sucked. I also knew it had little to do the with the reason he gave.

Three days later, I wrote this:

Thinking a little about the new job that starts soon. What am I going to change? How will my time be different? How will I be different? I can’t be the blustery asshole I was at name redacted. That didn’t work for them or for me.

I continued with this:

Pause. Think. Act. I failed do that much (most?) of the time. I also had the attitude that I knew best…I had an attitude nearly from the start - not with the people I worked most closely with, but with the people I saw as the cause of the problems…the people who made getting things done more difficult.

After several paragraphs, I end the page, and that day’s entry with:

Pause. Think. Act. Keep saying it…

My reading log shows I finished re-reading Ryan Holiday’s excellent book, The Ego is the Enemy, a few days after. It was probably my 3rd or 4th time reading it, and it’s exactly what I needed at the time. It was a great book to read before I started my next gig. I knew I had to get my ego under control, that I had to make some changes.

One of the many highlights I’ve made in this book over the years:

Is this the person I want to be?

Progress, not perfection

I’m not perfect, no one is. All I can do is work on being a better person.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t ask myself what I could have done better. I try every single day to be better than I was the day before. I have slipped, even in my current job. There are times that “blustery asshole” comes out, and I don’t like it. I do my absolute best to be mindful and rein him in when I can feel the signs.

I have learned to be mindful, to pay attention to my thoughts and how I’m interpreting the things going on around me. I have learned that my reactions are 100% under my control, and that there’s never any reason for the blustery asshole to make an appearance.

Say it with me: Progress, not perfection

Final Thoughts

It’s interesting to me how deeply the lessons I learned at FinTech have impacted me. I’ve never forgotten Pause. Think. Act. and it shows in those journal entries.

This started as a post talking about something positive you could change before your next project or job starts. They can be big things, or they can be small.

For me, it was “stop being a blustery asshole!”

Are there bad habits you know you have? Are you nitpicky about the use of ‘var’ in C# code? Does your body language convey what you want it to convey? Do you use “fuck” like a comma? Do you criticize the technology decisions of others (Mac vs Windows vs Linux)? Do you keep your camera off during calls even when everyone has theirs on? Do you have an ego problem?

• Let the use of ‘var’ in C# go. It’s ok.
• Pay attention to your body language and avoid closing yourself off to others by using a more open posture.
• Maybe reduce the use of the word “fuck” - instead of using it like a comma, use it like an exclamation point!
• Let people use what they’re going to use. If they love Windows, cool. You can still enjoy your Mac or Linux machine.
• Turn the camera on and surprise everyone!
• Lose the ego - be more humble.

What are you going to change?

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